A little more honesty please
by yapook
Summary: Ophelia: I thought you loved me? Hamlet: No. Just no.


**AU: Right so I am most certainly not Shakespeare or whoever currently owns his work. I'm warning you now that this is absolute shit produced as an English product for Marxism in Hamlet that turned out to be a funny, "sort of" parody. It's not that long so read it and tell me what you think.**

Scene 1

**(Gravediggers walk out)**

Gravedigger #1: Hey, did you hear about King Hamlet's death?

Gravedigger #2: Yes, but nothing has really changed. Strange, isn't it?

Gravedigger #1: Not really, we dug graves before he was dead and we'll dig 'em after he's dead. Makes no difference to us, which according to Carl Marx, is never going to change because our position binds us for life.

Gravedigger #2: Carl who?

Gravedigger #1: Oops, sorry. I was having visions of the future again.

Gravedigger #2: There is something wrong with you. Oh (points at table) look! The new King is making speech.

Gravedigger #1: This should be good.

**(Gravediggers sit down to watch the show. Claudius and Gertrude come out to address the people)**

Claudius: People of Denmark! I have come here today to acknowledge the death of my dearest brother. I, like you, miss him terribly. However, you all need to get over it now because I just got married and everyone needs to celebrate.

Gravedigger #2: He's insane!

Claudius: Also, that prince from Norway, Fortinbra, he said we're all wimps for being sad. Oh and he called the old King ugly and stupid. Let's pretend nothing bad happened to prove him wrong while I send someone to tattle to his uncle.

**(Gertrude and Claudius leave)**

Gravedigger #1: Why do I feel like he's lying to us?

Scene 2

**(Ophelia and Polonius enter)**

Polonius: I want you to stop seeing Hamlet. He's a prince; he doesn't love you. Even if he does he can't marry you.

Ophelia: But father-

Polonius: What? Did you expect to become the next queen? Don't be foolish; you're only a little girl. You don't understand the way the world works yet. If Hamlet wasn't the prince I might have allowed this, but he _is_ and has to do what is best for the kingdom. Do you really think that is _you_? He will end up marrying some noble's daughter as agreed upon in some treaty and then where will you be? Worthless.

Ophelia: What do you want me to do?

Polonius: Stop seeing him. Do not speak to him or accept any letters. He is not your future. He is controlled by his birth and will never be with you, regardless of love.

Ophelia: Yes father.

Polonius: Go, bring me your brother. I want to speak to him before he leaves.

**(Ophelia leaves to get Laertes. Laertes arrives and talks to Polonius)**

Laertes: Father.

Polonius: When you leave to France be sure to keep yourself in good standing. Don't gamble or get into fights you can't win. Keep your opinion to yourself and don't offend anyone. I won't have my son making me look bad. As the King's adviser, my image is very important.

Gravedigger #2: That's all he _would_ care about.

Laertes: Don't worry, I understand.

Polonius: Good. As my son, the things you do reflect on me and my reputation. Always remember that. Goodbye.

Laertes: Bye.

**(Laertes and Polonius leave)**

Scene 3

**(Claudius, Gertrude, and Hamlet are arguing)**

Claudius: You need to stop moping around and look happy. When the people see you depressed, they think something is wrong.

Gravedigger #1: Should we be concerned?

Gravedigger #2: No, it doesn't affect us anyway.

Hamlet: My father is dead; something _is_ wrong.

Claudius: But you still have to act the part of a prince. The kingdom looks up to you for guidance. If you act happy then they will think everything is right in the kingdom. Besides we need you to support our marriage. There are some people who disapprove, but with you behind us they won't be able to argue.

Hamlet: I don't support this though!

Gertrude: Don't be ungrateful. We did this for you. With the both of us married, the throne is secured. You are next in line for king. This was the only way to ensure we would stay in power.

Gravedigger #1: And that's what it all comes down to, doesn't it?

Scene 4

**(Hamlet goes outside with Horatio)**

Horatio: I saw a ghost outside last night with the guards.

Hamlet: What?!

Horatio: It was your father.

Hamlet: Oh…okay then.

Horatio: Do you want to go see him?

Hamlet: Sure.

**(They go to where the guards were and the ghost scares Horatio away)**

Ghost: Haaaaaaaaaaaaamleeeet, I aaaam yooouuur faaaaaatheeer.

Hamlet: I know.

Ghost: Claaaaauuuudiiiuuus kiiiiiiled meeeeee.

Hamlet: I suspected that.

Ghost : Aaaaaaaaaveeenge meeeeee.

Hamlet : Why?

Ghost : Becaaaaauuuuse I tooooold youuuuu toooo.

Hamlet : But that's murder; I'll be just as bad as him.

Ghost : Yooouuuu're my soooooon.

Hamlet : So?

Ghost : Aaaaaaaand the priiiiiiince.

Hamlet : Of course… fine, I'll do it.

Gravedigger #2: That seems like a stupid reason for murder doesn't it? The church won't stand for that.

Gravedigger #1: They're royalty. They can get away with anything, even murder.

Scene 5

**(Hamlet talks to himself)**

Hamlet : I hate my life so much. Being Prince is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Everybody expects something from me! My ghost-father wants me to become a murderer, Claudius wants me to support an incestuous marriage, and my mother wants me to act as if nothing is wrong. And everything is falling apart! My own uncle! How could he do that to my father, his own brother? This just proves the world is horrible and not worth living in. We'd all be better off dead. I wish I was dead, but since I'm not, I'd better get to work. Alright, I have a plan. First step: Act crazy so people will let their guards down. Second step: Wait. Third step: Kill Claudius. Yes, that's perfect. Nothing can go wrong.

**(Polonius finds Hamlet)**

Polonius : Hamlet, there you are. The King and Queen are worried about you.

Hamlet : Hello fishmonger.

Polonius : What?

Hamlet : Buzz Buzz

Polonius : Are you alright?

Hamlet : Where is your fish?

Polonius : What on earth are you talking about?

Hamlet : You have a daughter don't you?

Polonius : (Aside: He's mad!... but he remembers my daughter. I'll go get her.) Goodbye Hamlet.

**(Polonius leaves to get Ophelia. She finds Hamlet.)**

Ophelia : Hello Hamlet.

Hamlet : Get thee to a nunnery.

Ophelia : What?

Hamlet : Get. Thee. To. A. Nunnery.

Ophelia : But, I thought you loved me.

Hamlet : No.

**(Ophelia runs away crying and commits suicide in a river)**

Gravedigger #1: We better get to work.

Gravedigger #2: Right, I bet she'll get a Christian burial.

Gravedigger #1: Of course, she's the daughter of the King's adviser. It doesn't matter that it was suicide. Her father's money gets her placed with honest people.

Gravedigger #2: If it was anyone else they would be lucky to be underground.

Gravedigger #1: That's the way it works though. They get all the comfort, even in death.

Gravedigger #2: Yeah, but they get buried by us, just like everyone else.

**(Gravediggers bury body)**

Scene 6

**(Hamlet punches Laertes at Ophelia's funeral. They fight for a while, then Hamlet leaves. Claudius calls for Laertes to talk.)**

Claudius : We need to do something about Hamlet. Let's kill him.

Laertes : I'll do it! I want to do it! Don't let anyone else do it!

Claudius : Alright, you stab him with a poisoned sword and I'll make him drink poison.

Laertes : It should work. If I don't stab him, the cup of poison should do the job.

Gravedigger #2: He's willing to do anything to stay in power isn't he?

Gravedigger #1: Did you expect anything else?

Gravedigger #2: No, not really.

Scene 7

**(Laertes and Hamlet fight, they both get stabbed with the poisoned sword, and Gertrude drinks the poison on accident. Hamlet kills Claudius with the poison and the sword. Everybody dies and Fortinbras enters)**

Fortinbra: I'm King now!

Gravedigger #1: Are we Norwegian now?

Gravedigger #2: Does it matter?

Gravedigger #1: No, we still have to bury all those bodies.

**(Gravediggers bury everybody)**


End file.
